I finally sit down to tell you a story that has been central to my life for the last 6 years. I’ve been wanting to share this with you since March, but morning sickness had other plans for me.
In March, I found out that I matched into an Internal Medicine residency program in Baltimore, Maryland. It was been a surreal, glorious and almost overwhelming day and I took a good long nap to find some kind of balance in it.
What this means for those unfamiliar with the process, is that I have been accepted into a 3 year internal medicine training program that begins THIS MONTH! This is something I have been working towards since I graduated medical school 5 years ago. It is something that I, for some unknown reason, never felt worthy of. It’s something that has taken countless detours to get too – detours that forced me to find peace with the unique timing and purpose of my life. It is something that was once a hope, once a dream, once a wish, and now is finally real. Match day to me, represented the culmination of years of persistence and overcoming of so many limitations I had placed around myself.
My mind excitedly jumps to the next steps in joyful anticipation for what is to come. But I gently pull myself back to this moment. To remind myself that life is now. Here is now. And it is worthwhile to sit in the great aligned effort and energy that brought me to this moment.
The dream that I pursued.
The detours, the set backs. Wandering hazily into unchartered territory.
Lost in grief, lost in medicine.
Uncovering a new map.
Taking one step at a time.
Studying for step 1 with a newborn in tow. No sleep. A lot of pumping.
Unlocking my potential and starting to expect more from myself.
The focus, drive and discipline cultivated.
Indulging in a long awaited motherhood.
Taking days off, distraction and balance.
A true labour of love.
The great work of my life.
Falling deeper in passion for my craft.
Hopelessness. Worry. Self doubt.
Failure, dusting myself off, and trying again.
Overcoming limiting beliefs about myself and about my worth. Proving myself wrong.
Moving to the US for a year – just Reya and I for some months of it.
Getting amazing experience in Endocrinology at Mayo Clinic. Working with inspiring people.
Family who believed in me without question.
A husband who is so devoted to this whole process that I honestly think he deserves to start residency too lol.
Friends who supported me, listened to me, advised me, reviewed my application.
Mentors who inspired me, guided me and saw me for my potential.
Stepping out of my comfort zone. Doing hard things.
Getting better at things.
Picking up opportunities scattered hidden on my path like glittering diamonds.
Working on my application.
Networking and connecting with some incredible human beings.
Submitting my application in my stride. Walking peacefully across the finish line.
Waiting patiently. Hoping. Visualizing.
Making the very best of what comes my way.
Finding beauty in the journey.
A dream come true.
I found out I was pregnant right before Match Day. I knew the timing was right for us to grow our family, and I was so so so delighted to see those two pink lines, but naturally, I was concerned about how to share with my program that I would be needing time off. My program was very receptive and made me feel ever so comfortable. I shared my pregnancy with them at just 6 weeks, so that they were able to account for it when building our schedule for the year. I’m scheduled for 6 weeks of maternity leave around my due date, along with two cushy outpatient clinic blocks on either side of it, which should hopefully make those transitions easier.
Since I found out I’ve matched, life has been on fast-forward. Unfortunately, my morning sickness robbed me of a lot of opportunities to celebrate or even just find peace and balance day-to-day. It is how it is. It’s getting better and that gives me hope. I’m 18 weeks pregnant now.
I’ve been eye deep in on-boarding paper work and my visa application. I’ve been studying for Step 3 but decided to loosen my timelines and expectations and just do what I can. I don’t know when I’m going to take the exam, but I do want to do it as soon as possible. I want to spend my 6 precious weeks of maternity leave soaking up my baby, and definitely not studying! I’ve also been working on my research manuscript and doing my very best to submit it for publication before the whirlwind of residency begins.
Gautham and I made a list of all the things we need to get done before moving. The list is 4 PAGES LONG! I got tired after writing it! I’m so excited. This is a really exciting time. Even the obstacles we face feel exciting somehow. We’ve hoped and planned for this so for so long, that now that it is actually happening, it feels surreal to go through the motions.
Occasionally, I let the reality of what I am about to do sink in – which is actually caring for patients and not just spending the day with my head buried in a textbook. And then a wave of anxiousness washes over me, and I just wonder – HOW on earth am I going to do this?! I suppose I’ll cross that bridge when I get there. Because I am where I am supposed to be. And everything I’ve been through has brought me to this exact moment. I’m ready. I put in my elective requests yesterday. Endocrinology, hematology/oncology and emergency medicine. We also got our intern schedules – I’m starting out on the acute cardiac service. Orientation is on the 14th, followed by a week of shadowing the rising PGY-2s. Our clinical responsibilities as THE interns on service start on June 28th. Believe me, I could REALLY use a week of shadowing the current interns, but I may end up missing it due to the visa processing time.
I look forward to sharing more of my medical adventures here on the blog – life as a IM intern 🙂 I don’t doubt that life will be incredibly full; what with working 6 days a week, learning so much every day, as well as balancing life as a wife and a mama. But I do hope to continue to carve out some space and time to write. For you, and for me.
These last weeks, I’ve been shown several times what profound tool my intuition is when I allow myself to rest in it. I often hear whispers, but I tend to brush it aside, and focus on the more urgent and more convincing emotions. But I’ve been taking care to listen to myself more recently. To be quieter. When I wonder how something will turn out – I actually pause and allow the solution to emerge from somewhere within me. Something usually comes. Not that it is always what I want, yet the truth has a remarkable way of always being what I need. I write it down, an act of acknowledging it and remembering. And through it all, I am learning to trust myself in a new way. It feels like beginning of a true companionship with the self. It feels like alignment, where every step feels sacred in some sort of way. Every step I take is a chance to show up for myself. A moment to be held by life. Weightless and divine. All in one.