(I was supposed to post this on my birthday, but I didn’t.)
It is both a beautiful and indescribable feeling, to feel your own heart open within yourself. It is difficult to find the words to describe to you what it feels like. Blissful. Electric.
My heart feels clear. It is ready to accept, it is ready to forgive, it is ready to love, it is ready to care. It is ready to do what it was made for.
In the beginning, I would wake up with a sick feeling of nervousness in my stomach. I woke up clouded, groggy, filled with negative thoughts and feeling about what was to come. I couldn’t sleep. I was constantly on edge.
Then I started sleeping a lot. I didn’t want to wake up.
But I made myself wake up.
And then, slowly I started waking up with a sense of purpose. I started waking up feeling excited and hopeful for what was to come.
It was then that I noticed that start life started opening up for me.
I have learned that our heart is a delicate thing. It is something we should keep safe, and nurture it with tenderness and sensitivity. It is very easily impressionable. Even the smallest things, the smallest experiences can make strong impressions on us. And though hearts can be healed, we can also learn to stop hurting ourselves and others.
The safest place to keep your heart is in the highest ideals that you believe in. Whether that is God, or angels, or goodness, or kindness, or faith, or hope. Keep it there. Keep your ideas, your hopes, your love of life, keep it safe and protected.
First of all, I noticed that my friendships started to improve. And I was able to see what wonderful friends I have around me, who are so strong and bright and make me laugh from my belly. Who care for me in such a way that it inspires me to be an even better friend to them. Even now I feel so undeserving of the love they give me, but it only fills me with the desire to dedicate myself to being a better friend to them too.
I know that they are my people, and I am theirs.
“There is a magnet in your heart that will attract true friends. That magnet is unselfishness, thinking of others first; when you learn to live for others, they will live for you.”
This is some of the cute stuff my friends sent me. This was part of a package of goodies that Choyi sent me! She sent me so many lovely things like face masks, stationary, candy, nail polish etc. And in the letter she wrote me, she wrote “PS. I hope you enjoy the things I have sent you. if not, please contact the complaint centre”. Lol!
And Emma and Becky cut out this magazine article for me when we reunited! Along with my favourite chocolates, a cup with the letter M on it, and 2 books! Ahhhh. Sooooo much love and gratitude for each and every single one of my friends.
And when your hope runs dry, as it sometimes does, on the dead days, the dark days, I hope you know that we are connected to an ocean of promise and power. You just have to make that connection. You just have to want it enough, and it will come, it will fill you up from the inside and it will make you whole again.
It is never too late to start over and and be the kind of person you want to be in this world. You can make a change, take a chance on yourself. I hope you make the best of things and live a life that you are proud of.
And if you are not there yet. I hope you find the strength to start over again. It is all within you. All you have to say is “I am ready.”
And then throw yourself into living. Close your eyes and jump with fearlessness, with faith. Fall into yourself. Fall into your essence. Your heart can be healed in a moment. Your life can be changed in a moment if you believe in it.
“For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn’t understand growth, it would look like complete destruction”
I learned that home is where you are. And I hope you realize that if you ever needed to come home, you wouldn’t have far to go.
My way and God’s way
If it is not our way, it is at the very least God’s way.
All suffering arises when life has not gone our way. In our mind we have an idea of how our life should work out. And when this doesn’t happen, we suffer, we fight with reality. We feel sad and let down. Sometimes we can become depressed by these things.
In moments like this, I tell myself “So life didn’t go my way, but at the very least, it is going God’s way. And that is enough.”
“a bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking, because her trust is not on the branch but on it’s own wings.”
Courage is being able to say with confidence that no matter what happens in this life, this is who I am. I will always seek the higher truth. I will be loving. I will be strong. I will be loyal. I will endure. No matter what happens. I will be who I am in truth.
This is living fearlessly.
We have to wake up, stand up, and face the day with both conviction and reverence. We have to live life with a sense of power and force. Let our heart sing the anthem of our soul – that our life must move forward with commitment. With a commitment to goodness, a commitment to always evolving ourselves.
Until we can do this, we will never be able to take full steps in life. Only half steps. And half steps are always taken in fear.
The language of my heart
Our heart speaks to us in the language of stillness and subtleties. Listen.
There is strength in my words. Strength in my thoughts. Strength in my spirit.
“If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient?”
I look at my life and see all the opportunities that God has given me. All the answers to my prayers are laid out in front of me. I just have to recognize the opportunities and live through them.
Surround yourself with good, kind people. Be gentle, both on yourself and on others. Even if you live life softly, but with purpose, you can still leave your footprints.
Show your soul positive, happy, peaceful experiences. Your heart will recognize this and it will be awakened, it will start to open. Smile. Share gifts, share talents, share laughter and joy. Marvel in beauty, in friendships, in the warmth that exists between every living thing. Find the things that make the joy rise in your chest, and do them. Play with children, eat ice cream, take care of the elderly, laugh with your friends, kiss the one you love.
Our soul is electric. If you let your mind become still and find your space, you will feel it too. Feeling our souls electricity is what it feeling alive really feels like.
In the deep
Don’t be afraid to swim in the deep. So deep that your feet can’t touch the ground, and you are too far from the shore.
It will be scary for a while. You’re too far, too lost, too deep, no strength. But you will be fine. You can float.
For the most part life moves steadily. We take the roads we always take to get to the places we always go. But sometimes in life, you have to take a leap of faith. Sometimes you have to swim out further than you think you can to find a piece of yourself and bring it home. Sometimes you have to do something different.
And this doesn’t happen every day. It only happens sometimes, but when the opportunity arises, you must take it. You must step into the darkness, when the light is calling. This voice is saying “It is time for you to grow” and you must grow.
“Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction, ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must, but take that step.”
I learned that it is good thing to be lost in the right direction.
“Raise your words, not your voice. It is the rain that grows flowers, not thunder.”
I stopped looking for power through the futile act of trying to convince anyone that I was worthy. That I was worthy of love, of respect, to be listened to, of a safe space, and of an open heart. The simple act of convincing stripped me of that right away.
Instead I started to put my focus on doing more valuable things in this world. Thinking valuable thoughts. Speaking valuable words.
True power is value, lived through the vessel of kindness.
I realized the only person I needed to convince was myself. And I’m convinced.
“Wherever you stand, be the soul of that place”
I had stopped being the soul of any place, of my place. The heart beat of my life, was quiet, hushed, left outside of myself. I didn’t bring it with me.
But now I do.
Where I am is where I am. I realized that if I wanted, I can make myself come alive wherever I am. And so I did.
I was born here. And born again every moment.
The eyes of love
Though it can hurt to be undermined, reduced, criticized, put down, held back, it is an even more sorry situation for the person who wishes this on you.
It is sad for the person that chooses to see only the negative qualities in you. It makes it a very bad experience for them, because they have to live with such negative thoughts, with such a negative mindset. They are choosing to live with negativity in order to maintain their ideas of you.
You don’t have to. You can still choose to continue to see all beings, all experiences, with the eyes of love.
If you can do this, you will always win. You will always be free. You will make life beautiful. For not only yourself, but for others too.
Our thoughts and words about a person must do good for him. That doesn’t mean that we have to be fake. We must still speak the truth. But if we speak the truth about a person, and it comes from a place of bitterness within ourselves, then this will be our own poison.
The more loving a person becomes, the more he is able to rejoice in the good qualities of everybody!
Until I can feel compassion towards every single person, my work here is not done.
“Sadness gives depth. Happiness gives height. Sadness gives roots. Happiness gives branches. Happiness is like a tree going into the sky, and sadness is like the roots going down into the womb of the earth. Both are needed, and the higher a tree goes, the deeper it goes, simultaneously. The bigger the tree, the bigger will be its roots. In fact, it is always in proportion. That’s its balance.”
The human soul is a resilient thing. It is built for storms, and growth. It is built for deep waters and tidal waves. You can sink or you can float, but I hope that you float. I hope that you can find the lightness of your being that is hidden beneath the darkest and hardest parts of yourself that frighten you.
Where there was darkness, now there is light.
xo malavika ox