Shortly after I gave birth to my stillborn daughter Mia, my husband and I were given the difficult task of picking a place to scatter her ashes. And though this task was both tragic and morbid, we somehow found ourselves embracing it for what it was. We knew that this would be one of the only things we get to do for our daughter as her parents. All our other parental responsibilities that we so longingly dreamed about, were stolen from us.
Today I woke up in peculiar kind of way, with a surreal sense of the swiftness of time passing.
I am 28 years old now, slowly inching towards 30. It occurs to me that in two years I will take these 10 monumental years, package them neatly into what I will from that point onwards refer to as “my twenties” and file it away.
We have a tendency to paraphrase life.
Decades reduced to two words.
I believe it is the norm for us to share our struggles after we have conquered them, our lessons after we have learned them. They say hindsight is always 20/20 after all. And to talk about something painful, when you are no longer in the crux of it, has always been a safer place to tell your tale.
This has always been the defaulted way I have shared the stories of my life too. That is, until my daughter died at 25 weeks of pregnancy and suddenly I had no choice but to share my story from the deep dark center of it. The thought of having to do that was incredibly unnerving and uncomfortable. I had no happy ending to pacify myself with, no lessons learned to lean on, no answers – only questions. All I had was the chaotic unravelling, the burning grief and the unsettling uncertainty of the unknown.
I’ve asked some friends and they said they would consider me to be a positive person. In fact, as I walk this unimaginable path of the loss of our first unborn child, so many have told me they admire my positivity.
Even my husband often says that I’m a positive person.
But really, I’m not. I’m not a positive person.
…But I’m not a negative person either.
Hi beautiful people.
I’m starting a new small series on the topic of Breaking Karmic cycles. This series contains 3 parts.
- The past is the past is the past: How to move on from your past
- Life is not a crisis: What to do when you are tired of your own drama
- Breaking free from your Karmic Cycles
The past: A story we love to tell. Or a story we love to hate. Either way, as long as we keep digging into our past, we’re stuck. Because life doesn’t happen in the past. Life happens now.
Why do we look into the past?
Why is our past so mesmerizing? Why does it draw us in with so much magnetism?
In life we can get our emotions and energies in all kinds of tangles. Forgiveness is the release of a karmic knot.
It is a release. But it’s not something that be taught. It is not something you can read about, then close your eyes tightly and will yourself to do. Feelings are thick and heavy and gooey, they take time to be shifted, to move, to change direction. If you are waiting for a moment where you “feel forgiving”, it won’t come. Because forgiveness is not a feeling. Peace is a feeling and you will feel that when you forgive. Forgiveness is a force and “force” means that it requires some action, some movement in a certain direction. It is a direction of living.
Look at the areas in your life, the spaces in your soul that need to be healed. Take some time. Take a day, take a week. Take some time to understand that there are things that you need to heal from.
A few simple words about the past.
& leaving it.
I saw this video on facebook and I fell in love with this cutie!
A quote from one of her other videos:
“Life is just everything I ever wanted. Life brings me to this wonderful place. It shows me this wonderful stuff I love. “
To me, this says that life is good.
I read this lovely little story in the book “Conversations with God” (I apologize I do not remember which book 😦 ) and I would like to share it with you. This is my shortened version, similar to the one that was paraphrased in the book.
Once upon a time there was a little soul who lived in Heaven with God. This little soul was getting ready for being born on earth again and was asking God some questions about it.
The little soul had decided that when she was born she wanted to experience one of the divine attribute of God. The little soul had many to choose from, such as: kindness, unconditional love, infinite possibilities, abundance, sharing, helpful, considerate to others etc.
God asked the little soul “Well, little soul, have you decided what part of your true self you want to experience in your new little life?”
The little soul thought about it for a long time and finally decided “I know what I want to be now! I want to be a special part of God called “forgiving”. That’s what I want to be. I want to experience myself as that; as forgiving.”
God smiled and gently explained to the little soul “The only problem is, there is no one to forgive.”
“No one?” The little soul could hardly believe what had been said.
“No one! Everything I have made is perfect. There is not a single soul in all creation that is less perfect than you. So, then, who will you forgive?”
Just then, a happy spirit stepped forward to the little soul and God.
“Don’t worry little soul, I can help you!”
The little soul was delighted. “You can?!?!?!?!”
“Certainly!” Chirped the happy spirit. “I can come into your next life and give you something that you can forgive.”
“Why would you do that?” asked the little soul.
“I would do it because I love you.”
The little soul was surprised.
“Don’t be so surprised little soul. We have done all of this before and many times before. We have been through all of it. We have laughed together, cried together. We have been good to eachother, we have been bad to eachother. We have been male and female, we have been lovers and enemies. We have been both the victim and the villain. And we always come together, always bringing eachother the exact and perfect opportunity to experience and express who we really are” the happy spirit explained further “and so I will come into your next life and I will do something so terrible to you so that you experience forgiveness. So that you can be the one who forgives me.”
The little soul was so excited and happy to have found such a friendly spirit that wanted to help the little soul.
“But in return…” the happy spirit continued “I have just one favour to ask you.”
“Anything, anything!” cried the little soul “what can I do for you?”
“In the moment that I strike you and smite you,” the happy spirit replied “in the moment that I do the worst to you that you can possible imagine – in that very moment…”
“Yes?” asked the little soul….
“I needyou to remember who I really am.”
This is one of my favourite little stories. It is about forgiveness and love.
It is about remembering. Remembering that you are perfect.
Remembering that there is nothing to do but to love. And when you remember that, everything becomes easy to do.
Moving on becomes easy. Letting go becomes easy. Saying sorry becomes easy. Being happy becomes easy.
And if our paths have ever crossed, and I have ever hurt you – with my thoughts, my actions, my fears, my intentions, my words – I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me and to forgive yourself.
And God said “Always remember, I have sent you nothing but angels.”
I don’t know you but I know that when you came alive, you were born to be someone very special.
I don’t know you, but I know that when you were a child, you looked at the world like it was a wonderland, and somewhere along the way, wondered where the magic went.
I don’t know you but I know you have loved someone more than you thought you could.
I don’t know you but I know that there is no one else in the world quite like you.
I don’t know you but I know you’ve looked at your naked body in the bathroom mirror and felt totally disconnected with your body.
I don’t know you but I know that you have some memories from a long time ago that still hurt to think about today.
I don’t know you, but I know that there was a moment in your life when you asked yourself the painful question “is there something wrong with me?”
I don’t know you but I know there came a day when you debated whether you should chase the colours of your dreams or just be “real” and troubled over why those two lives couldn’t be the same.
I don’t know you but I know that one day you woke up and looked in the mirror and felt completely beautiful.
I don’t know you but I know that you’ve once hurt somebody just because they hurt you first.
I don’t know you but I know that you’ve hurt somebody with your words and realized that you could never take them back.
I don’t know you but I know that you believe in love, and even in the times you don’t, I know you would if you let yourself fall.
I don’t you but I know that you’ve felt betrayed.
I don’t know you but I know that you’ve privately questioned things you’ve spent your life convincing yourself and other people you’re sure about.
I don’t know you but I know that sometimes you wish you had more courage.
I don’t know you but I know that you’ve cried and felt better afterwards.
I don’t know you but I know that somebody you love has died.
I don’t know you but I know that you’ve felt stuck in a job that you’ve out grown.
I don’t know you but I know that you’ve been afraid to leave, even though in your heart, you knew you had to.
I don’t know you but I know there is something in your life to be very proud of.
I don’t know you but I know that you sometimes still think about the one that got away.
I don’t know you but I know that you there are times you look back on your life and see the way all the seeming coincidences have all been in your favour.
I don’t know you but I know you have felt judged for who you are.
I don’t know you but I know that there is someone out there who loves you and believes in you and wants you just the way you are.
I don’t know you but I know it hurts when somebody doesn’t believe in you and your big dreams, no matter who that somebody is.
I don’t know you but I know there is someone who thinks you are the coolest person ever without even trying.
I don’t know you but I know that you have pictured how life would carry on if you died.
I don’t know you but I know there have been moments where you have felt completely cherished and loved.
I don’t know you but I know there are times when you have made a difference, even when you don’t believe you have.
I don’t know you but I know that as a teenager, you tried hard to fit in and stand out, all at the same time.
I don’t know you but I know there’s something you are very good at, and could be even more wonderful at.
I don’t know you but I know you have a talent that you neglect because you don’t believe you have enough time or money.
I don’t know you but I know that if you just took a moment to realize how loved, howcherished, and how special you are, you would find yourself in all your friends, and families, and enemies and strangers. And you would see that your stories are everybodies stories, and that doesn’t make them any less important or any less meaningful. It just makes us human. And real. And you would see how together we are in everything we have ever faced, and will ever face in our lives. And you would see that you are never really alone. And you would open your eyes, your arms, and your heart
and you would come home.