You may recall that in 2018, I wrote a blog post on the topic of falling behind in life. This seemed to have struck a chord with a lot of you, and I received many e-mails and messages from readers who shared their own struggles with the timing of their life. This article also happens to be one of my personal favourites from my blog, and one that I too go back to from time to time.
This has been a theme of my life since I graduated from med school in 2016 and found that my life took a different turn to my peers. It was a topic that filled me with dread in the pit of my stomach, accompanied with this incessant feeling of unworthiness. It was paralyzing and I just couldn’t do anything about it.
But you know what? I did. I did do something about it.
Today, I don’t feel the way I did a couple years ago. My life is still not where I thought it would be, and while it is much closer, I just love where it is right now. I love what has been and what is to come; and I love living life on the brink of both.
It took a great deal of daily practiced courage to change how I felt in and about my life. And I felt compelled to revisit this topic today and share with you some of the things that have helped me feel more secure in how my life is unfolding.
Imposter syndrome – feeling like you don’t belong in this room of brilliant people. Like it’s just a matter of time before they figure you out and realize they’ve made a mistake. That it’s all just been a ruse, and you’re a fraud. That you never deserved to be here, to win this, to get this, to have this. And soon, everyone will know. It is basically the act of attributing your successes to every reason under the sun other than your own great effort. Some of the most iconic, talented and intelligent people have experienced this – and it affects women especially (which really speaks to a much deeper rooted issue in regards to our societal standards).
It’s not worth it. And it’s disappointing. Because it needlessly prevents us from stepping into our greatness. It stops us doing the great work of our life. It perpetuates anxiety and low self worth.
In this blog post, I offer us a few suggestions on how to slowly dismantle and quieten the voice in our head that tells us we are not intelligent enough, not talented enough, not qualified enough, not worthy enough, and just not damn good enough for this magnificent life of ours.
I’d like to share my latest video with you today – an introspective Q&A where I touch on various topics like inspiration, forgiveness and handling life changes. I invite you to answer some of these questions yourself if you feel like it, and share what you feel comfortable sharing. I’d love for us to get to know each other better! I tag all of my wonderful readers. Do share a link of your blog post if you decide to respond that way.
I believe it is the norm for us to share our struggles after we have conquered them, our lessons after we have learned them. They say hindsight is always 20/20 after all. And to talk about something painful, when you are no longer in the crux of it, has always been a safer place to tell your tale.
This has always been the defaulted way I have shared the stories of my life too. That is, until my daughter died at 25 weeks of pregnancy and suddenly I had no choice but to share my story from the deep dark center of it. The thought of having to do that was incredibly unnerving and uncomfortable. I had no happy ending to pacify myself with, no lessons learned to lean on, no answers – only questions. All I had was the chaotic unravelling, the burning grief and the unsettling uncertainty of the unknown.
When I think about changing my life, I would think of all the different things I would rather be doing with my time. I think to myself; “to change my life, I need to change what I do, because what I do makes up so much of my day and my life.”
But, I have come to understand maybe that it is not necessarily what I do, maybe it’s how I do it.
The first step is just so easy. Keep doing what you always do, but put all your energy and intensity into how you do it.
So…I have been distracted with the new Facebook page I created for this blog. It’s a nice change from blogging, with shorter more frequent posts. More photographs and visuals. More personal. I wish I was better at this social media stuff, but I guess I can start here.
Today I am writing about something that is very much rooted in my own self-reflection; a pattern of complacency and tendency for mediocrity that I have noticed in myself. This blog post may be more of a rambling than anything else. Perhaps something more for my diary, than for my blog. But here it is anyway.
To me, going inwards means putting my attention into my internal environment – not only what is happening around me, but what is happening within me.
What is this buzzing of life energy incased within this body of mine? Who or what is “Malavika” and why is she delighted by some things and dismayed by others?
A life of reaction
Right now, this is our life – something happens in the outside world, and then something happens inside us. For example – Today it begins to rain outside. Perhaps on this particular day, this is bad news to us for many reasons. And so it rains inside us.
I try to see life is just a sequence of a different situations and environments that we have to work our way through, from the day we are born to the day we die. Life never stagnates, it is constantly changing from one thing to another.
Sometimes we know how to handle a situation we are presented with, but most of the time, we don’t, and there is a steep learning curve. And when we are given a situation that we don’t know how to handle, we believe we are going through a a rough patch, a crisis in our life. But isn’t that what living is; changing, learning, growth?
When we were a baby, we didn’t know how to walk, but we learned. We crawled. We held onto the couch for dear life. We took our first stumbling steps. We defied gravity. We fell. Oh boy, we fell a lot. We fell into our parents arms, but we also fell on carpet, and concrete. We grazed our knees and bumped our head. We cried when it hurt, and laughed when it stopped, when we were reminded how wonderful and surprising life is.
It has been a while since I have written something. I think that this is because all my posts are rooted in my own personal revelations and realizations. I share things my life is showing me and lessons I am learning.
I guess…sometimes it takes me a while to learn something. 😎
But I have come to understand something about life and I am glad to be sharing it with you.