Tag: blogging

ONE

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My little girl,

Today we wake up in the morning as we always do, with kisses and cuddles and milk and giggles. But this morning is different, because today is your first birthday. You are ONE.

It is a quiet Monday morning, snow has fallen over night and has settled softly around our home, a pale white light leaks through the windows and spills onto us. Your warm body laying on my chest. I am home to you. And you are home to me now too. I remind you that your father is at work now but that he kissed your forehead and whispered “Happy birthday my 1 year old girl” into your ear while you slept, right before he left in the morning. We listen to your birthday song – forever young by Bob Dylan. You are still sleepy so you lay quietly on me while I pour all my love onto you as you get ready to greet the day. To greet your day. This is your day. Every day is.

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My experience of 40 days of Shambhavi Mahamudra Kriya

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During my 6 week stay in India, I decided I would immerse myself in another shambhavi mahamudra mandalam – where the kriya is practiced twice a day for 40 days. I was first initiated into this kriya in 2016, and have been practicing it on and off since then. Off – because I spent a large part of these two years pregnant twice, and found this kriya aggravated my morning sickness – making it very hard to complete. I wrote about the first time I did a 40 day practice here. Reading back on that account, I realized that I mostly just shared my experience with Isha’s Inner Engineering, but didn’t speak much on the actual kriya itself. I guess I just didn’t have much to say, because if I did, I probably would have said it! All I can say now is that this 40 day experience was a completely different experience to the first time I did it – which only demonstrates to me how each time you engage in your spiritual practice, it has the potential to become deeper and more saturated. My first 40 day cycle was really a beautiful introduction into a new direction of being and life, and I have maintained this direction for the last 2 years. It changed my life. This 40 day cycle went deeper, somehow. It changed my life in a different, more potent way. It changed me.

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Landslide into 2019

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I find myself stumbling rather ungracefully into the new year. I stepped back into my routines of daily life here in Toronto with a sudden thud. I feel out of sorts, and I just can’t seem to get a grip on anything. They say there are years that question and years that answer. 2018 was an answer. 2019 is a year of question, I can already feel it. Things feel unsettled and haphazard. I completed a mandalam of 40 days of shambavi maha mudra in the early new year. I had expected that it would bring me to a more centered and grounded space, and yet to be quite honest with you, everything feels blurry and confused. I have to believe that the practice gives me what I need most for my spiritual growth. The last time I had completed this mandalam, I discovered I was pregnant and then went on to lose my baby, which ended up being a significant and poignant, but no less beautiful occurrence in my life. Perhaps what I need most for my growth right now is a more potent dose of life, rather than something slow and grounded and centered. 

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My experience with Astrology and releasing past karma

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Friends, it has been almost 2 months since I last wrote anything. Life has been full to say the least. I took the USMLE Step 1 exam. I packed up everything from my life in my parents home for the last 7 months and went back to Toronto for 2 weeks. Those 2 weeks were spent with my husband, packing and cleaning and basically trying to move in again to our “new home” that I have barely lived in. Then we got on a plane and flew to India, and that is where I am now. 

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Ordinary things

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Today I woke up in peculiar kind of way, with a surreal sense of the swiftness of time passing.

I am 28 years old now, slowly inching towards 30. It occurs to me that in two years I will take these 10 monumental years, package them neatly into what I will from that point onwards refer to as “my twenties” and file it away.

We have a tendency to paraphrase life.

Decades reduced to two words.

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It’s not you, it’s me

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One of the most notorious phrases in the language of broken hearts.

So cliched. So cringe.

So faux-compassionate.

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Done is better than perfect

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My husband always says I’m an “all or nothing” kind of girl.

I’ve always been that way. Even as a young girl, when my mother used to ask me to clean my room (and I was so messy back then), I could never just quickly put things in it’s place and tidy up. I had to go all out. But only when I felt like it.

First, I would wait. I would wait for the “perfect time”, when I truly felt like cleaning my room. I would start from 0 and I would turn my room upside down and inside out.  I would basically move in to my room all over again. And of course – I’d get tired, so it would would take me like a week to complete cleaning my tiny little room. I’m exhausted just writing about it.

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On falling behind in life

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I believe it is the norm for us to share our struggles after we have conquered them, our lessons after we have learned them. They say hindsight is always 20/20 after all. And to talk about something painful, when you are no longer in the crux of it, has always been a safer place to tell your tale.

This has always been the defaulted way I have shared the stories of my life too. That is, until my daughter died at 25 weeks of pregnancy and suddenly I had no choice but to share my story from the deep dark center of it. The thought of having to do that was incredibly unnerving and uncomfortable. I had no happy ending to pacify myself with, no lessons learned to lean on, no answers – only questions. All I had was the chaotic unravelling, the burning grief and the unsettling uncertainty of the unknown.

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Am I too sensitive?

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I think it is common knowledge that to be intuitive is to be sensitive.

We spiritual seekers, we wear our identity of a “highly sensitive person” like a badge. To be quite honest with you, I am not sure of how sensitivity is received in our society today; I don’t know if it is trendy to be sensitive, or if it is looked down upon and silently ridiculed. But it doesn’t much matter to me – because I know what it feels like, and I can decide if it is something I enjoy or not.

In our quest for a deeper spiritual connection in life, I find that I become more and more sensitive.

But then I noticed that…I am sensitive to the wrong things, to the things that do not necessarily serve my spiritual growth.

I became sensitive to people’s opinions, their moods, their approval or disapproval of me.

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Newborn Days with Reya

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My daughter turned 6 months two days ago. 6 months of her. My life feels almost unrecognizable now. Everything is new – for the both of us. I felt this was a good time to reflect on the days following her birth – a precious time of my life that was equally chaotic as it was sacred – imprinted into the fabric of my soul forever more.

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