On Wednesday I turned 30, and what a wonderful day it was. If you know me, you will know that I adore birthdays, and my 30th birthday was no exception! I received many sweet birthday wishes. My husband and daughter baked me a key lime pie, a favourite of mine. I played the piano for an indulgently long period of time, my husband and I danced together, and my mom made me my favourite dinner ever! Today, I am reminded that I have some exceptional people in my life. My friendships feel rich and nourishing. My marriage gets sweeter every year. Motherhood has added depth to my life that I never knew before and I feel more settled into my role as Reya’s mother. I have my slice of contentment pie!
My twenties were a decade of transformation. It is a decade that demands a lot from a young person, a constant state of learning and transition – from student to a professional, a girlfriend to a wife, a woman to a mother. And not to forget all the dark, messy and confusing in-betweens.
It is a decade devoted to the exuberant energy of youth. Youth is a time in your life where your life energies are vibrant, and at a peak. I suppose you could say that in some ways, I feel more youthful today than I did in my 20s, mostly because I am more aware of my life energies than I have ever been before. I now have some degree of mastery over them too, which means I use them intentionally to create things that are beautiful and elevated. It took me a long time to learn how to not hurt myself with it.
Looking back, I was a wild, fast, girl with a hungry heart. There was no stopping me. I longed to experience everything deeply, and I did. Of course, there were consequences and I paid the price. Some were worth it, and some not.
These days I am still a little wild. Still hungry. Maybe a little slower. lol.
Caught in the restlessness of youth, I found myself stumbling constantly into new versions of myself, wondering which one is truly me? It was a decade of uncovering what really matters to me, and it took me the full 10 years to see it clearly.
As my twenties inched to a close, and in the last year in particular, I felt as though I finally caught glimpse of the beam of light that navigates me from my core. I realize that my path is revealed to me with each intentional step I take, and it takes a great deal of courage to take each one. I feel more centered, more grounded, more joyful than before. I started to move to an inner rhythm that I never paid much attention to before, and now all of life feels like song.
I’ve learned to appreciate and listen to the intrinsic timing of my life, and as a result of that, how to go with the flow of things and not against it. I’ve learned to experience intensity through the depth of a singular experience, rather than the breadth of many of them. I spent almost half of my 20s tangled up in bad love with a man who was wrong for me in all the right ways. I learned to leave burning things and take deep breaths. I learned that I was wrong about a lot of things. And so was he. I made a handful of forever friends who uplift my life. I met my husband. He gently taught me how to grow good things, and how to hold things tenderly. I learned to dismantle my tendencies for self sabotage. I learned to care for and love my husband. I learned how to be a companion, and the very best friend to him. We bought our first house together. I kept writing for no other reason except the pure love of it. I’ve published 393 articles for us to read. I started a youtube channel. I was initiated into shambhavi maha mudra kriya which changed my spiritual practice and ME completely. I lived in 4 different countries. I lived with my best friends. I graduated from medical school. I wrote multiple monumental career defining exams. I ate a lot of chocolate. My body shifted shapes and sizes. I dieted, I exercised. I strived to look a certain way. I explored new ways of thinking about life and the world, some beliefs I abandoned, some that changed everything. I felt my intuition awaken, but I only listened to it occasionally. I became a mother. Twice. I said hello and goodbye to my precious first born daughter all in one day. I welcomed my rainbow baby into the world. I made plans. I unmade plans. Life changed plans. I feel myself transitioning softly into the role of a respectful observer of myself. I know what my magic is now.
This was the glorious and triumphant work of my twenties. Aging is a subtle thing to notice, and it kind of feels like I still feel the same but young people feel younger, you know?
But I know have I changed in a lot of important and necessary ways. I look back on my twenties and I know I did the work. I know this because now, I am faced with entirely different experiences, challenges, and focuses.
These days, the lessons of my life look like;
Steady waves of deep grief. Occasional tsunamis.
My unconscious reactivity and being swept up by triggers planted in childhood
The courage of showing up to my life, occupying my space, and doing the work.
Warm, contented friendships that feel like family.
Planting and growing new beliefs about myself. Asking what if?
Delighting in the unknown.
Dissolving self-importance.
To not allow labels to wrap its way around me and constrict the limitless truth of who I am.
Ambition and failure.
Chasing joy over pleasure.
Cultivating community. Setting up rituals of celebrations. Traditions that honour heart-connections.
Learning how to love more selflessly. To be nurturing force to the world.
Focusing on a few select things that matter.
Being intentional with my time.
Growing a family and growing a career at the same time.
Building an awakened family.
Raising myself in order to raise a child.
Curating and upgrading what matters.
Developing a consistent and unwavering devotion to the practice.
Pattern breaking. Cycle breaking. Karma breaking.
To walk gently and considerately through earth.
True presence. Conscious decisions. Clarity of vision. Awoken, Present moment awareness.
Growth lessons taught through joy, rather than pain.
Thank you for being with me for the last 10 years (or more, if beyond this blog!)
Love,
A 30 YEAR OLD MALAVIKA!
Happy Birthday!
Thanks so much!
This year will be the death of my 20’s. I told myself repeatedly I will not freak out when I turn 30 because there doesn’t need to be a freak out moment. Like you mentioned about your late 20’s, you suddenly feel more grounded and at your core. There’s a sense of balance and it’s refreshing to feel after going through so many up’s and down’s.
I’m with you! There’s a lot of hype around turning 30, or aging in general, but it’s up to us if we subscribe to it or not. I personally don’t. In my experience, life gets better every year I get older! Yes – more grounded, more balanced, and not so many ups and downs – yet life still feels rich and vibrant! When is your birthday? I look forward to welcoming you to the 30s!
Malavika, I love your writing and ability to honestly reflect on yourself. Your self-awareness is inspiring. Happy blessed 30th birthday!
That means so much to me. Thank you for your encouraging words. I think I’ve always used writing as a tool for self-reflection, even before blogs were around. How about you? What is your favourite way to self reflect?