A messy poem I have written for our girl. It isn’t perfect, and nothing seems to flow, but it is the truest reflection of what is in my heart.
Well, I always said I wanted to make my blog more personal – to write about my experiences and about life as I’m living it, rather than it being a textbook of instructions. And now it can’t be anything but intimate. I can’t write anything other than my truth, and what is at the center of it. And right now, the center of it is a blend of deep grief and gladness.
I like to write. Writing is soothing and healing for me. And so I will write.
I love this part of the story. It’s my favourite part.
For most people, the best part of pregnancy is having a baby. For me, it was going labour and birthing my daughter. For me, the best part of pregnancy was the pain. It’s a morbid and sad thing to realize, but I have not known it any other way.
I don’t know what it is to give birth to a baby who is alive and who I can bring home and watch her grow up. But I know what it is to give birth to my daughter. And it was the most beautiful experience of my life.
This is the the hardest story that I am living, and the most difficult one to write about.
I knew I wanted to share this part of my pregnancy with you too, because it is real and true and heartbreaking and a part of my life that I cannot ignore or deny.
But I am conscious that it is not only my story to tell. It is also my husband’s story, and his comfort is mine and his pain is also mine. So it is only with his permission that I share this with you today.
We had to say goodbye to our sweet baby girl at 6 months of pregnancy.
In September I attended Isha’s Inner Engineering program. During the course, a concept that really permeated deep into me was realizing that I have the capacity within me to be a mother to all beings of this world. This was weeks before I found out that I was pregnant. I am a mother of the world. A mother is creation and nurturing. A mother is your biggest cheerleader, she believes endlessly in your goodness, a mother picks you up and puts you together again when you are broken in a heap on the floor.
I have been studying the power of women in family life and relationships through the ancient Vedic teachings, by one of it’s teachers – Oleg Tosunov. It has grown to become a huge area of interest for me and something I would like to share with you today. The Vedas teach us that women are mental leaders of the family, they are the energy keepers within their relationship, marriage and family. This means they control the energy within the relationship. Men have different responsibilities. I don’t know much about that, since I am a woman and realized I should only focus on bettering myself, rather than making sure other people change too.
But we are different to men. We have different feminine duties, and if we can try to fulfill these feminine duties, we will achieve access to certain psychic powers. When we are able to use these feminine powers, we will be given the greatest gift of all – the ability to change our family life, our marriage, and to find happiness.
I believe that each and every one of these powers are difficult to access, and especially to access completely and fully. That is our karmic challenge as women. It is supposed to be hard.