3 years ago today, I was labouring to deliver my stillborn daughter. I was frightened, overwhelmed, traumatized, and heartbroken. It hurts to think about it.
Shortly after I gave birth to my stillborn daughter Mia, my husband and I were given the difficult task of picking a place to scatter her ashes. And though this task was both tragic and morbid, we somehow found ourselves embracing it for what it was. We knew that this would be one of the only things we get to do for our daughter as her parents. All our other parental responsibilities that we so longingly dreamed about, were stolen from us.
Life has been floating by. I stopped writing and I stopped taking photographs. I just couldn’t find it in me. I think there was too much to feel and be a part of lately.
After Mia’s due date passed, I couldn’t quite come back from it. The day itself was as difficult as I had anticipated, but there was a heaviness in the weeks to follow that made life slow and tired. I feel forever changed, touched by death.
I spent a short time with my parents in BC. One afternoon I said to my mother “I am to you what Mia is to me. You must love me so much.”
My mom just smiled.
Slowly, I find myself coming back to my words.
And I wrote something about my daughter. It was too big to be a poem, and too small to be a story. So here it is, rough, but loved – a little piece of writing from my heart.
I waited for you, for a very long time, since the beginning of the winter, since the beginning of time. You promised you would come one summer, and that one day we would meet, one day we would fly together, and my heart would be complete.
I consider myself a fortunate person with a blessed life.
But I have been both the giver and receiver of lemons.
And I guess losing our daughter was a lemon. I think we can all agree on that.
But no matter what happens to me in my life, no matter what experiences I am thrown into, I have the opportunity to ask myself these questions;
I am 27 years old today.
I am sitting at my parent’s dining table. It is 6:30 in the morning. The house is quiet and the new risen sun is pouring its warm white light through the window and onto me.
Over the last few years I have been compiling a list of lessons, reflections and realizations I experience in my life. 2 years ago I shared everything I had written in there to that point. You can find that post here.
Since then I have learned a few more things and I would like to share them with you today.
Never touch anything with half of your heart.
My baby was born still,
in a quiet room,
with her big eyes closed.
But she was still born,
just sleeping soft,
held 6 months in my womb.
My baby was so small,
that she fit right in
to her father’s hand
My baby was
still born, but she was still held
My baby’s heart did not beat,
but mine was broken,
cracked in two
and yet all the while,
bursting in ecstacy for her
because my baby was
still born, but she was still loved.
My baby was born in quiet room,
and she did not cry,
but the roar of her presence
was so loud
because my baby was
still born, but she was still heard.
The next day
my baby was taken away,
to another room and another world
that we could not go,
but she lives on within us
because my baby was
still born, but she is still ours
My baby was set free,
in a soft stream
of cool flowing water,
my baby was born still,
but she was still born
and still my daughter.
A messy poem I have written for our girl. It isn’t perfect, and nothing seems to flow, but it is the truest reflection of what is in my heart.
Well, I always said I wanted to make my blog more personal – to write about my experiences and about life as I’m living it, rather than it being a textbook of instructions. And now it can’t be anything but intimate. I can’t write anything other than my truth, and what is at the center of it. And right now, the center of it is a blend of deep grief and gladness.
I like to write. Writing is soothing and healing for me. And so I will write.
This is the the hardest story that I am living, and the most difficult one to write about.
I knew I wanted to share this part of my pregnancy with you too, because it is real and true and heartbreaking and a part of my life that I cannot ignore or deny.
But I am conscious that it is not only my story to tell. It is also my husband’s story, and his comfort is mine and his pain is also mine. So it is only with his permission that I share this with you today.
We had to say goodbye to our sweet baby girl at 6 months of pregnancy.
This is certainly a question that we have already, or will one day ask ourselves. What will happen to be when I die? Will I be reincarnated (is there such a thing?)? Do I get a choice in the matter? What if I don’t want to come back to earth? Can I stay and watch my family grow? Can I come back and spook people out?
When I give readings for people and I speak with deceased loved ones, I catch glimpses of what the afterlife may be like. I’ve never consciously existed on that plane, but it sort of feels like looking through a keyhole. Along with this, I have asked my guide Miss Prescot, about life after death and what it is really like. This is what I know and believe:
What is death?
Death is a shift in energy. We all know that energy cannot be created on destroyed- it simply changes form. During our “death”, we shift from our human form into a spirit form.
I get it, I get it, but does it hurt?
From what I have learned, death does not “hurt”, just as it does not hurt the ice cube to turn into water. It simply happens when the conditions are right. I do believe that death can, at times be “uncomfortable”. Miss Prescot likens it to trying to fit through a small door. It can take some squeezing, some squishing, some pushing and pulling, but it doesn’t “hurt”, it just takes some adjustment. It also depends greatly on the way you die. If it is a gradual decrease in energy – such as a disease –you are likely to just feel weaker and weaker as you put more focus on a different form of your energy. If it is a sudden death – such as being in an accident –I believe it feels as though the energy shift happens faster and therefore could be either effortless or you may experience feelings of pressure or slight discomfort. The important thing to remember is that these sensations last for a very short period of time. Human and physical sensations are truly limiting when it comes to the true spectrum of “experience”, as once we die, one of the first things we realize is that there is more than just “this feels good” and “this feels bad”.
And then what?
You usually spend some time “traveling” – where you climb to a higher frequency. Here you may experience your loved ones who have been waiting to welcome you to the highest love and light. People describe this part as traveling through a tunnel of light, approaching and even brighter light at the end of. Others describe it as a white light room where they experience the pure love of those who love them. It’s whatever you want.
And then what?
And then you create.
What does that mean?
You do as you do on earth, and you create your experience. The only difference is that in spirit form, the law of attraction is instantaneous. There is no time delay as there is on earth (imagine if we didn’t have a time delay on earth – and everything we thought about manifested instantly? It would be chaos!!). So, if you think about your sister who was waiting by the hospital bed as you passed on, you would instantly be with her. If you thought about a red Ferrari, you instantly have a red Ferrari. But, what are you gonna do with a red Ferrari in the spirit world? Well, I don’t really know.
This is one part of the afterlife that most people struggle with the most. It’s difficult to get used to how powerful you really are, when you just spent the last 80+ years on earth finding experiences to convince you that you weren’t. It’s a steep learning curve, but pretty soon you learn to control your thoughts and consciousness to only attract and manifest the highest good.
Does Hell exist?
Sure. Remember what I said about the law of attraction, and how everything you think about focus on manifests instantly? Well, if you think about “hell” and believe that you belong there, you would experience hell instantly. The good thing is that, as soon as you start disliking your experience of being in this hell you have created (which I bet won’t take very long), you attract something else (probably something much nicer – like a land made of ice cream. Yum).
Does heaven exist?
Look around you, hotcakes!
Do I get to see how my world continues without me in it?
Yes you do (if you choose to), but first you have to dos something more important. You have to watch “the movie of your life”. Here you will experience “watching” your life. All the decisions you made, all the decisions you avoided. The good ones, the bad ones, the good relationships, the sucky relationships, the people you love, the people you hurt, the people that loved you, your greatest challenges and your overcoming of them, your greatest challenges and your fear of them, your greatest teachers, your love, your pain, the lessons your learned and failed to learn, your first boyfriend who gave you a promise ring, your dysfunctions, your delusions, your truth. Everything. Here you have time to review your human life – from start to finish. What was good? What was great? What do you need to do better? Did you fulfil your life purpose? All those unanswered questions you have – well they will be answered here.
Great! Now can I see how my world continues without me in it?
Yes you can! If you choose to, you can watch your family and friends on earth grieve their precious loss, and then eventually move on with their life.
Can I move things around and give them signs that I am still with them?
Yes, although at this stage of your evolution you are still a lower energy spirit. This means you haven’t yet graduated to “the light” just yet, and so you are not as powerful as you could be. You might find moving things are tricky at times, as it requires a great deal of energy and also the shifting of energy (from spirit form to the kind that can move physical objects. It’s tricky). You can definitely try though, and you may well surprise yourself. You can also help give your loved ones on earth little “nudges” to take a particular route to work, or to be at a certain place at a certain time so that they cane experience a magical synchronicity that reassures them that you are near.
At this time, will I be very attached to my loved ones?
Yes and no. You will still love them and care for them, and have some biases about them (As you have yet to go into the next dimension), but you will also have a deeper understanding for life and how it is working for them.
So I’ve watched the movie of my life, and hung around my family for a little bit, now what can I do?
Now you have three options. You can:
Graduate ‘Guide’ School
You may choose to become a person’s guide. In order to do this, there is a certain level of “schooling” you have to complete. When I say schooling, I don’t mean just sitting in a classroom taking a social studies class. What I mean is that you simply begin increasing your frequency and travelling into the different dimensions of the spirit world (I believe that are 5-7 dimensions. I believe the first 5 are related to guides, angels and masters, and the last 2 are related to the experience of God and oneness – see the third option “experience oneness).
Once you graduate, someone’s higher self will contact you and say “Hey, I really need a guide down there. Could you help?” and you will probably say “Hell yes!!” and BAM, you have your first client.
If you choose not to be a guide, you will simply be a higher level being, just chillaxin’ and watching over the universe.
You may choose to reincarnate onto earth again. Why would you want to do that? Because only through living on earth can you experience and grow through suffering. If you do choose to reincarnate, you will go through the process of selecting your life, your parents, your soulmate, and BAM, you’re back on earth doing the whole “human thing” –buying a latte on your way to work, falling in love, going to the gym, getting your heart broken, healing that broken heart, working through family issues, getting a raise, getting fired, making friends, losing friends, learning a sport, facing your fears, calling in sick to work. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about.
You may choose to experience oneness, which is to experience God. When I see beings in this form, I see them in a cocoon of light, experience ultimate bliss and nirvana. Beings who have committed suicide on earth enter this dimension as soon as they pass on in order to undergo the healing process. I cannot speak to spirits in this dimension. I imagine it is because the yare in too great a frequency for me to access, and also, I’m pretty sure they don’t want to be disturbed (“Hang on. I’ll be with you in a moment. I’m just experiencing ultimate ecstasy.” Likely story.)