You can build your personality

When our life has gone to sh**, if you are the kind of person who possesses any small kind of self-awareness, you tend to start thinking about making some changes. We think about changing our jobs – because we’re miserable there and it doesn’t give us the growth opportunities we are looking for. We think about changing our diet, our relationships. We want to implement new habits and quit bad ones, like quitting smoking, and not drinking as much. We decide we need to change our friends, our house, our hair.

And while all these changes are admirable and deserving – and will undoubtedly create some form of ripples in your life, I think we can dig a little deeper…..

We mustn’t forget that we can change our selves. We can change our personality. We can change the way we interact with the world and with ourselves.

This is by far, the most transformational change. When you change who you are, everything around you will change effortlessly.

I’m sure some people will read this and gasp and think “WHAT! Is she really suggesting that we change our personality? Is she saying I have to live a lie and pretend to be someone else? Does that mean I’m not perfect as I am? Does that mean I shouldn’t love myself just the way I am?”

I’m not surprised by this. We are a society that is having a major identity crisis, while simultaneously in major denial of this because we are inundated with advertising campaigns and slogans saying things like “Don’t change, you’re perfect just the way you are” and “Take what is yours, because you’re worth it!”

That only works if we make ourselves into someone who is worth it. No one talks about how to do that.

Well some people do. The ancient Vedas talk about it, but I’m pretty sure they would be boo-ed off stage by people who are the self proclaimed “worth it.”

So, how do we make ourselves “worth it?” Well, it’s not by updating our car, or furniture or friendship groups. That’s how we update our lifestyle. But how do we improve the way our life feels and flows?

By changing ourselves.

We become deserving by changing ourselves.

Our personality is our creation. Self development means becoming active in the creation of your personality, and not letting your life so far determine it and justify it.  Self development isn’t meant to be easy or obvious or even appealing. It’s meant to be about what works.

Our personality has many different levels and influences. I’m not going to talk about all of them here because I haven’t figured all that out yet. There are other levels also make major contributions of the type of person you are, how you sit with yourself, and how you interact with your world and your life. Things like your perceptions, beliefs, unconscious desires – all play a major role in how you project your life.

I want to talk about two levels of your personality in particular: The quality of your personality and the essence of your personality.

Your qualities: The qualities of your personality are experienced by people around you. Your qualities generally influence the way you project yourself into the world.

Your essence: Experienced by yourself and your closest people – like your children and your partner. The essence of your personality influences how you interact with yourself.

You may experience discrepancies in your personality. For example, you may develop generosity as a quality – in which case you would be a generous person in society and in your community, but if your essence does not possess generosity, you will find that you are very stingy with yourself, and also your family’s needs and desires. By doing some self-development work, you can regain balance in your personality.

I have been thinking about the qualities and essence of myself that I want to develop more so in myself. I want work on experiencing and living from more of the following, in myself:

Pleasantness:  To nurture a pleasant disposition. To me, to be pleasant, is a sweet mix of optimism, gentleness, kindness and caring.

Calmness: I’m so done with being a victim of my mood. I get that our moods change extensively, but that doesn’t mean I have to react on every stimulus. I want to learn how to respond, and not react. I want to have a calm and clear mind. I want to be stable and reflect peace.

Caring: I want to develop my ability to look after the people I love. To become more of a giver than a taker.

And those are my three. I want to start with a small and simple list. The fundamentals. What qualities do you want to add to your personality? How do you want to behave in your life? How do you want to interact with yourself? Changing your personality is just as important as changing your job, your relationships, your diet – all for a better life.

malavika xo

inspired by Dr. Oleg Torsunov

who is currently, my spiritual guru!


  1. I agree with you. You can change yourself, and sometimes, that can be the only way to achieve the changes we want from our life. Since turning 30 earlier this year, I have been working to change myself in a few ways-to be more focused on the positive, to be more present in my daily life, and to be more bold. It can be hard to break decades of habits, but I have already been finding it worth it.

  2. Great post! It is very important to constantly work on improving ourselves. I believe that calmness is the most important from your list because when you have peace within you can have peace with the world 🙂

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