Confidence is our birth-right. It comes with our soul’s capacity to fulfill our life purpose. It’s sort of a package deal, but sometimes we seem to pass up on the opportunity to be naturally confident – and then we spend the rest of our life reading self-help books, and awesome blogs like this one, trying to figure out how to get it back. Trust me. I’ve been there.
I used to have major confidence problems. It kind of comes with not loving yourself, and when you’re 16 and confused, it becomes very easy to stop loving yourself. You know that feeling when you do something really embarrassing infront of a group of people (or even just one person) and you really wish the earth would swallow you up? Yeah, that was me – all the time. When I see people walking down the street with their head held down, I just want to look at them and say “Wow, you have NO idea who you really are.”
So, can you get confident? Yes! Everyone can. But you have to do it the right way. There are two components of true self-confidence: inner confidence and outer confidence. You can’t have one without the other. So don’t even try it, missy. If you work simply on your outer confidence (the tangible confidence that everyone can “see”) and neglect the inner work, you run a high risk of being deemed arrogant and cocky, and as if that’s not enough – everything you do will just feel so fake and unstable. You gotta do things the right way. If you do things half assed- you only half get away with it.
So does true confidence take a long time to develop? Well, it depends on how easy you find the “inner confidence” work. You must also realize that it won’t happen over night – not true confidence anyway. It’s a process, a lifestyle change, but if I can do it, you can do it too!
So, let’s get started with your inner confidence. Many of the steps here will radiate into your outer confidence and only heighten the worlds experience of you.
Inner confidence (your inner rockstar)
Think positive thoughts about yourself, your circumstances, your friends, your environment.
I’m not saying you have to be little Miss/Mr. Sunshine all day every day, because hey, shit happens. All I am saying is that you have to get in the habit of expecting positive things from your life. That yeah, you may have a bad day, or a bad week, but that does not define you. This means getting comfortable with knowing that even if things are not great now, they definitely will be. This means knowing and feeling completely supported by the universe. This means having the pure faith and belief that good things happen to you all the time.
Own your darkside.
Inner self confidence is almost synonymous with self-awareness. Leaving your fears, ego issues, hates, hurts and booboos hidden in a steel box in the dark crevices of your mind is no good. Someone’s gonna find it and someone’s gonna call you on it – so get to it first! What do you have to hide? What hurts the most? What stings? Take it out, look at it, learn your lesson, accept it, and move on. You ain’t getting any prettier just carrying it around all day, you know. Being confident doesn’t mean you have to be an open book for everyone to read, but it means you have to have at least read it yourself. You have to have at least checked it out a couple times from the library of your soul. Own your fears, or someone else/something else will, and you cannot emanate confidence from the core of your being if you do not own yourself first.
See this link for more information on this: http://hellomalavika.com/2010/08/28/how-to-own-your-dark-side/
Learn to love yourself.
It sounds so easy typed out! “Learn to love yourself” – just four little words, but these words will take you on a lifetime journey if you truly let your life embody them. I don’t mean just looking at yourself in the mirror and thinking you are “kinda okay”. I mean that you need to create a mind that you can bear to live in. And a skin you feel comfortable in. And a soul purpose that drives you to love everyone and everything.
You need to LOVE yourself so much that you would want to date yourself if you could. Basically, you need to start treating yourself like you would treat the most special person in your life. With love, respect, cuddles, treats, compassion, understanding, and unconditional undying support.
It is so easy to become dependant- emotionally or physically. Who is giving you more than you think you can give yourself? What is it, and how can you start giving it to yourself? Is it money? Is it food? Is it a home? Is it love? Is it support? Is it understanding? Is it …confidence? Start doing more for yourself. Take yourself out on a date. Get in control of your finances. Get all your ducks in a row. Now!
Make your own decisions
Have you noticed that if someone makes all the decisions for you, you start looking to them for validation, support and ultimately approval for all the things that you do? If you want to start levelling up your inner self confidence, you need to kick this habit and start making decisions for yourself. You’re a big girl/boy and I know you can do it. No one knows you better than you. Hold your own counsel. Sure, ask for advice (And I always encourage this) but at the end of the day, feel confidence in the fact that YOU are the one calling the shots. Start making your own decisions today – whether that be where to go for lunch, or what you want to do with your life – because hey, you’re the one who’s gonna eat the lunch and live your life.
Figure out your life purpose
Nothing screams confidence like believing that you are important and knowing that you have a very important purpose to fulfill. A child who is taught this from a young age will always go far in life. This simple belief is enough to give you a really huge reason to be confident. If you don’t believe you are here for a reason, that you don’t have important things, what else could be a worthy cause for your self confidence? Confidence without this principle – is empty. Figure out what you want to do, and start doing it. And if you don’t know just yet (that’s okay –it takes time – enjoy the ride!) then start feeling confident that YES you are important and YES you do have worth and the world can’t WAIT to see what you have to show us.
Fake it till you make it
Fake it till you make it only works for outer confidence –but it sure works like a charm. Even if you don’t FEEL very confident, pretend that you are, and watch how your body shifts. It might be kind of awkward at first, but I promise you that if you keep doing this, over time, it will become a natural way of being for you. Always ask yourself “what would a CONFIDENT person do now?” and respond appropriately. Remember we are re-programming your mind and habits here, so let’s start implementing some new habits that will work better for you!
Check your posture
A good posture is a great marker for a confident person. Stand tall. Shoulders back. Stand up straight! Don’t slouch. Watch your posture. At first it’s going to be quite annoying to keep shifting your posture, but as with anything, the more you do it, the more fluid it becomes, so get at it.
Speak positively about yourself, your circumstances, your friends, your environment.
Nothing screams “I don’t like myself!!” like someone who complains. When you meet somebody (especially for the first time), please do not display your dirty laundry. You don’t have to tell people why you are broken, defected, not as you appear to be, and you don’t have to give them the latest run down your past relationship failures and all the bad habits you acquired this last year. Think highly of yourself, and speak modestly but positively about yourself! If you’re at a party and having a sucky time, and someone asks you what you think of the evening, do not say “It sucks! I’m so bored.” It might be witty, funny, and maybe strike up a conversation, but the person will probably eventually go elsewhere – why? Because people like happy people. People like happy people EVEN in lame places! And besides, friendships and relationships created from a foundation of commiseration is never a good one. So I’m not saying you have to lie and say “Oh my god! BEST PARTY EVER!!!!”, but you can smile and say “I’m having a great time thank you, and how about you?” Why? Because you’re confident and confident people do not let a lame event phase them in anyway. It doesn’t even hit the radar.
Look your best, all the time.
I don’t care how comfortable you are in your pjs – there’s a time and place! Dress up for your life. Show up! Be excited. Look hot or handsome. People are naturally drawn to those who look the part.
Treat everybody well, no matter how they treat you.
Confident people are not really phased by how people treat them, because they are instead focused on the quality if their own interaction to people. Treat everybody well, with respect and kindness – no matter how they treat you.
Those people who bitch excessively, complain, or talk lowly of other people do not come across as confident to me. When I encounter someone who radiates confidence, and then they later start badmouthing something or someone, I instantly take them away from their pedestal. Suddenly they seem so “average”. Don’t be average. Stand out by setting an example of excellence and integrity. Truly confident people don’t waste their time badmouthing people. They make changes.
Focus on others.
It is a common misconception that confident people are all “me me me!” Truly confident people never focus solely on themselves. They focus on the wellbeing of those around them, and when you do that, the world turns into a giant mirror and reflects all that good karma right back to you. A person who focuses on themselves is an example of arrogance masquerading as confidence – and arrogance is confidence without the innerwork. A big no no.
Learn how to accept compliments
Always react appropriately. Do not reject compliments, and do not feed on them for hours either. Let them come and go. Show gratitude. Smile. Be natural. Feel your heart expand. Show love. Then, let it go. Rejecting a compliment shows people that you don’t think that the good things they are saying are true – which causes people to rethink their compliment. And feeding on their compliment for hours, days, weeks, shows people that you probably lack the inner work.
Slow down your movements.
Do you ever find yourself rushing along your day, not taking the time to truly take slow, long strides, and really enjoy it? Well, start doing that! Slow down your movements. Look around you. Smile at strangers. Walk to a beat. Doing things slowly tells me that you don’t need to RUSH to get things done. That everything is under control, and you know exactly what you are doing.
Know what you are doing.
Have a game plan. Never be the kind of person who doesn’t know why they do things. Don’t be afraid to admit when you are wrong, but act with certainty and…the magic word…confidence! Be the kind of person that makes things happen.
*Just a note that I have received and read all of your lovely e-mails and I will be responding to all of them this coming Saturday.
I am so sorry it has taken me so long to get back to all of you. Everything has just been super busy the last few weeks, with settling into my new place. As soon as I get my bearings I will be e-mailing you all. Promise!